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DEALING WITH PEOPLE WHO FIND YOUR CANCER UNCOMFORTABLE by Laurel Alexander The social interaction of asking after one’s health is commonplace, but when you have cancer, the “hello and how are you” question can become a minefield to both the asker and recipient. You may feel terrible. Sick. Fatigued. Sad. Frightened. Burning indigestion. Awful taste in the mouth. In pain. But hey, what do you say in bright response, “I’m fine”. You might say it because you don’t want people knowing how bad you feel or that you might not be coping too well at that particular time. Or you might say it because you fear you can’t deal with the negative reaction of others. It’s this second reason I’d like to talk about. How you can deal with people who find your cancer uncomfortable. Why do people find cancer a difficult subject? Before you had cancer, why might you have felt awkward with someone who had been diagnosed? We might feel embarrassed. What can we say to someone who has cancer without sounding crass? Maybe we might have lost someone to cancer and to meet someone who has been diagnosed brings back painful memories. We might feel ignorant about cancer. We might have brought into the belief that cancer means you’re going to die, when in reality the survival rate for cancer patients is high. How do we talk to someone who we believe is going to die? There’s another reason why people might find your cancer difficult to deal with and that is personal involvement. Your parents or siblings, partner and close friends care for and love you. They want the best for you and a diagnosis of cancer can make them frightened for you and for themselves. This can make them seem uncommunicative. Those who you need the most seem to withdraw. How does this make you feel? Here you are diagnosed with cancer, going through treatment and on an emotional roller coaster. You’re confused, volatile, trying to hold it together, withdrawn – you could be in any emotional state. You need safety and support. You need acceptance, some signs of normality. But the negative behaviour of others can make you feel alienated, frustrated and shameful. So how can you respond to the negative behaviour of others? If they are an acquaintance, is it worth investing emotional and physical energy into the relationship? Maybe, maybe not. However with someone who means something to you, it is worth making an effort to talk to them. You might feel this is a time when others should be there for you, that they should understand exactly what you’re going through and feeling. But people often don’t understand or are scared to say or do the wrong thing. Not through a lack of love or care, but because they need a sign from you as to how to respond. It is worth making the effort to talk to those you care about because once they understand where you’re coming from; they will be there for you. You might find people react emotionally to your cancer, that they are the needy ones. It could help to acknowledge their sad or fearful feelings while also sharing your own with them. This gives them permission to feel bad but also they need to understand how you feel. You might need to tell someone what you need from him or her in a firm but loving way so that they have boundaries within which to react which are OK with you. Some people, however much they care for you, will find their emotions difficult to deal with. This doesn’t mean you need to rescue them or feel resentful with them. It means that particular person can only give or do so much for you and if you aren’t getting certain needs met there, then you need to get them met elsewhere. But you need to accept that even though that person may appear not to care, they most likely do, very much. We all have limitations. We each cannot meet all the needs of one person. When you have cancer, it is the creation of a support network including healthcare professionals, family and friends, that we can call upon to fulfil different needs which will help us through this difficult time. IF
YOU WOULD LIKE SUPPORT THROUGH YOUR BREAST CANCER EXPERIENCE,
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