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TECHNIQUES FOR
BECOMING MORE ASSERTIVE
VERBAL ASPECTS TO BECOMING MORE ASSERTIVE
Use “I” statement rather than “you, “it”, “we”, “one”.
This shows ownership of the thought, feeling or behaviour.
Change “can’t” to “won’t, where “can’t” isn’t
an appropriate restriction. This change of verb encourages a person
to take responsibility and to be aware of what they can and can’t
realistically do and that they can make a positive choice when
they decide they will or will not do something.
Change “need to “want” and differentiate between
need and want. This change of verb encourages a person to be realistic
and responsible about what they need and want and to be clear of
the difference.
Change “have to” to “choose to” and “should” into “could”.
These changes in verb acknowledge that a person makes a choice
about what they do and is therefore responsible for the choice.
Change “know” to “imagine” when fact is
a fantasy. Often a person states that they know something about
another person when in fact is its based on fantasy. It is important
for a person to differentiate between what they know, imagine,
feel and thing when making clear and assertive statements.
BROKEN RECORD
When to use
In conflict situations, when refusing requests, when saying no,
when asking questions for clarification, when being taken advantage
of.
Technique
You speak as if you were a broken record. You need to be persistent,
to stick to the point and you keep saying what you want to say
over and over, ignoring all side issues. Keep speaking in a calm
and repetitive voice. You need to make sure the other person
is listening to you “I’d like you to listen to me.” Identify
your goal and make a clear state “I don’t want a
drink.”
FOGGING
When to use
When others are trying to make you feel anxious or guilty or are
trying to manipulate you.
Technique
First use non-defensive remarks such as “that’s a good
point.” Continue fogging until they stop nagging and engage
with active problems solving. What you could do with someone’s
manipulative criticism is to agree in principle. You can agree
with any truth in a statement, “Yes, that’s true. I
did come in very late last night.” You can agree with any
possible truth in someone’s criticism “You could be
right. If I don’t lock the door someone could come in and
take something.” You can agree with the general truth in
logical statements “You’re right John. What you say
about keeping the door locked makes sense. So when I feel it’s
necessary, I will lock it.” In a sense, what you are saying
is “I hear what you say. You’ve arrived at your point
of view because you’ve thought about it. I can accept the
truth in it and that it’s your point of view.” When
the other person know they have been heard, it is easier for them
to make the space to hear you.
Assertively deflect any counter statement which will cloud the
issue “Let me say it again.” Repeat your statement
calmly. Ensure your verbal and non verbal language agrees.
ASKING FOR TIME
When to use
When people make requests and you’re not sure how you want
to respond.
Technique
Listen carefully, Clarify and make sure you understand what is
being asked of you. Pause and think about it. Acknowledge you
have understood and the feelings of the other person. Say “I
can’t decide now. I need time to think about it.” Specify
the amount of time needed and how you will notify the person
about your decision.
MAKING REQUESTS
Technique
Know exactly what you want. Understand also what you don’t
want and if appropriate, what you would settle for. Communicate
you request in positive, assertive language. Be specific. Make “I” statements.
Probe further if you request is refused and listen to the other
person’s point of view. Remember asking doesn’t necessarily
mean getting.
REFUSING REQUESTS
Technique
Acknowledge the request and ask for clarification. Keep the reply
short and simple, asking for more time if necessary. Give a reason
if you want to and not an excuse. Don’t apologise profusely
and keep your non-verbal behaviour in line with your refusal. If
your requester is persistent, repeat y our refusal and avoid searching
for “better” reasons.
DISAGREEING AND STATING YOUR POINT OF VIEW
Technique
State your disagreement clearly and express your doubts in a constructive
way. Use the “I” statement. Give reasons for your disagreement,
stating which parts you agree and disagree with. Recognise other
people’s points of view and change your opinion if new facts
convince you.
GIVING PRAISE
Technique
Maintain eye contact and use the “I” statement. Keep
the praise brief and clear and make it specific.
RECEIVING PRAISE
Technique
Agree with or accept the praise, thanking the giver and keeping
your response short. If you disagree with the praise, still thank
the giver.
GIVING CRITICISM
Technique
Introduce the topic and say why you want to raise it. Make your
criticism specific, not a personal attack. Acknowledge the positive.
It helps to empathise with the other person’s feelings or
situation. Ask for suggestions to bring about the desired change.
Get a response to your criticism and summarise agreements for action.
RECEIVING CRITICISM
Technique
Listen to criticism carefully rather than rejecting it or arguing
with the person. Try to get concentration on content, not personal
attack. Ask for clarification, maintaining steady eye contact and
keeping your voice up. Ask yourself whether the criticism is valid
or invalid or partially true. Take the initiative to agree future
changes.
SAYING NO
Technique
Notice your immediate reaction. If you know you want to say no,
don’t give excessive excuses or apologies but give an explanation
if you want to and make sure you actually use the word, no firmly
and calmly. You could say no and give an alternative “Not
now; however I will when I get this done, which could be in an
hour.” You could make an empathic listening statement and
then say no “I can see this is important to you and I would
like to do it for you, but I am already overcommitted to work projects.” If
you’re unsure, take time to think about it, ask for more
information, compromise if you want to – make sure you’re
not just buying time by saying you’re unsure when you really
want to say no.
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